It's OK to grieve in the UK

Drove down to St Neots today to meet up with S whilst our partners were in London. Conversation, a meal out and a great ice-cream as we walked to the river matched the warm sunshine.

Today was the third day of mourning and media reports of the evolving aftermath of the Manchester Arena bombing.

As a child in the sixties, I grew up in a period where mass public expressions of grief were not the norm in the UK. Stoic bearing of tragedy, and dignity were. Overt expressions of grief were frowned upon. Churchill's death and state funeral did allow millions to take part, but in what was seen as a solemn formal event.

Looking back over a longer period of time, to the Victorian and earlier periods, public grieving for well known personalities or national treasures was expressed and shared in newspapers. Perhaps the immense, unprecedented loss of life in the two world wars suppressed this trend.

This all changed with the death of Princess Diana, when open expression of grief returned, with a dramatic, different element, separate from the formal funeral preparations. The very public sea of flowers, candles and teddy bears with personal messages began a trend that has continued to the present with each new tragedy. Another significant feature is that it is increasingly acceptable for both men and women to cry publicly as part of the mass grieving process. 

Now there are also the personal stories and expression in social media, with likes and comments being used to demonstrate sympathy with the dead and share with the people they leave behind.

The flip side of this is the power of expectation in how one should behave in these situations, or what is deemed right and what wrong in public sentiment. Lord Nelson's lover Lady Hamilton had to flee Britain as sentiment turned against someone who did not conform with the immortalised nature of a dead hero, where his illicit liaison was an inconvenient truth. Others have commented on the capricious nature of the effusive grief response.  It exists for a short while and the quickly disappears until the next event eliciting a reaction comes along. Woe betide those who come to the attention of the respective 'Grief Police' for a particular event. And yes, there will be a minority of self seeking individuals with crocodile tears. Sometimes you also wonder whether a few media and reporters are perhaps too assiduous in finding ever more obscure links, people stories and speculation to feed the inevitable feeding frenzy of a major national tragedy.

A good example of the latter is the leaking of additional secret images of the suicide backpack after the Manchester bombing by US media today, as well as the leakking fo the bomber's name in the US before the information was released in the UK. This was done without consultation with the UK about the use of material from a UK investigation

Overall, I think the new behaviours in the UK are a good thing. Rather than bottling up grief, they allow people to come to terms with the inevitability of death and the loss of loved ones, whether family or public icons, and to know that they are not alone in their grieving. They make us all more human.